


A Shadow Past

by ShoutIntoTheVoid



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, The non con is not with Ernst, altar boy Hanschen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 18:49:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8634019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShoutIntoTheVoid/pseuds/ShoutIntoTheVoid
Summary: Ernst surprises Hanschen one afternoon and learns that there is some darkness in the blondes past. Or, Hanschen was an Altar boy, and then he wasn't





	

**Author's Note:**

> Anyway I watched a thing where Andy (actor who played the most recent Hanscen) speculated that he might have been an altar boy and this came of it. Sorry!

Ernst came upon their usual spot, an anticipatory smile tugging at his lips. He and Hanschen had been dating for a few months now, but it was of course in secret, and the only times they could be truly with each other, without fear, was out in the fields, beyond the church bells. It was deep into autumn now, their green clearing, which was once painted in the summer’s lavender and wildflowers, was now fading to gold and amber. There, sitting cross-legged in the thick of the weeds, was Hanschen. His back was facing Ernst and his head was tilted toward the clouds, strands of blond itching the back of his neck.

Ernst’s smile grew at the sight of him, and a mischeavious glint glazed his eyes. Slowly, so as to not make a sound, Ernst crept toward his lover, a cheetah stalking a gazelle. Coming up behind him, Ernst pounced with a playful growl, wrapping his arms around Hanschen’s middle, and tackling the shorter boy to the ground. Ernst’s hands dragged themselves lower, reaching Hanschen’s thigh. It was then that Ernst realized that his boyfriend was shaking.

He removed his hand, and turned Hanschen over to see his eyes shut tight, teeth clenched, and shoulders shuddering.

“Hansi?” Ernst whispered quietly.

But Hanschen couldn’t hear him over the sound of his breathing. Not of his own volition, his body slowly sat up, knees drawn into his chest and his arms wrapped around his body. He was shaking.

“Hanschen, love?” Ernst tried calling again, louder, his voice wavering with worry.

The blond could only respond with a sob. Ernst gingerly rested a hand on his shoulder and Hanschen leaned into it. The taller boy took this as permission and pulled his boyfriend into his arms, letting him ride this, whatever it was, out in his embrace. Hanschen silently cried until the tears could no longer come 

He pulled away, and looked up into large brown eyes, wide with confusion and worry. He gulped down the lump in his throat.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, his voice so small and defeated, Ernst almost didn’t recognize it.

 “Oh my love,” he sighed, whipping the stay tears from the freckled cheeks with his thumb, “you have nothing to be sorry for. _I’m_ the one who should be sorry, I shouldn’t have scared you.” 

Hanschen put his hand on top of Ernst’s, pulling his palm to his lips to give it a soft kiss before twining their fingers together, and holding their hands in his lap. His handswere still shaking slightly.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Hanschen assured him, squeezing the hand in his.

Ernst looked confused, “Then what was _that_?” He asked softly.

Hanschen sighed, “Um, I-“ He faltered, unable to look at the sweet face across from him, and think about it.

He lay back down, nestling his head in Ernst’s lap.

“You know how I used to be an altar boy?” Hanschen asked the sky, the setting sun bouncing pink off the clouds.

Ernst nodded, “yes.” he replied, remembering the talk about the pious faces being an act.  

“Well, there is a reason I stopped.” Ernst had begun the play with his hair, fingers raking through the tresses, calming his mind, “You see, the priest wanted us to confess everything to him. He wanted us to repent for any sins we had committed so that we could serve the church with purity. One day I went into his office, and made my confession: I had a crush on one of the other altar. 

“I was only twelve, sex hadn’t even been on the table. But, there were fleeting butterflies when I saw him, and my palms got sweaty, and you know I love a man in uniform." He joked weakly. 

“I told the priest this, thinking that I would have to say a few prayers of repentance and that would be that. But I was wrong. 

Hanschen swallowed thickly once more, like tar was on the roof of his mouth.

“He pulled me into his office so that I could ‘properly repent.’ And he told me to disrobe, that for this sin I must reveal myself to god.”

The hand that was buried in golden hair came up to cork the gasp leaving Ernst’s lips, “Oh, Hansi!” he breathed.

“He touched me.” Hanschen confirmed, rubbing at newly forming tears, “I told him to stop, but he didn’t listen. I told him that I would read the prayers until my lips were so dry they bled, but he- God, he didn’t listen.

“His fingers were everywhere, ‘this is your penance’ he told me, and when I started bleeding I believed him. It hurt, everything hurt.

“I tried to push him away, but he struck me.” 

Hanschen sat up, turning so that he was sitting in Ernst’s lap, forehead nestled in the crook of his neck. Ernst held him close.

“He tried to convince me that I deserved it. That it was for God. And, when he felt he was done, I got dressed and limped home. I told mother everything, and she promised I’d never have to go back again.”

“Hansi.” Ernst kissed his temple.

“I found out that he died today.” A silence fell upon the two.

Hanschen looked out at the clearing, the sun low in the sky, purple wisps of cloud fading into the stars.

“I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I guess when you came, and we were together, here in our spot, I was overwhelmed.

“Here I am, with a beautiful boy, who is kind, and smart, and filled with compassion, who likes to kiss me, and who holds me and who makes me feel like I’m worth while.

“I am here with him, and it’s beautiful, and it’s everything that monster wanted to destroy for me. It’s what he wanted me to feel pain for.”

Ernst kissed Hanschen’s temple, then his nose, his eyelids, his chin, “I never want you to feel pain.”

Hanschen smiled sadly, nuzzling his nose on Ernst’s cheek, “He’s dead.” It was more of a question.

“Yes.” Ernst nodded.

Hanschen pulled away to look at the other boy, he cupped his jaw and ran the pad of his thumb over the point of his cheekbone, “Then, I’m free.”

He leaned in to capture Ernst’s lips. The kiss was soft and gentle, and everything Hanschen deserved.

“I love you.” Ernst breathed as they pulled away.

“And I you.” And then Hanschen kisses him again.

The sun is gone, and the stars are the only spectators.

The wind blows over them, and whistles a love song.    

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!!!


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